Parenting, A Journey of Discovery
- To some few and fortunate couples there comes a time in their relationship when something wonderful occurs, something magical, something spiritual; they reach a new place, a new boundary and become more than husband and wife. They move beyond mere marriage and enter a new and special domain. For Camilla and me that moment came at a family wedding.
We sat in a front row pew in a small church and watched as the youngest of our three children exchanged the vows of marriage with his lovely bride. It was a beautiful ceremony filled with high emotion and very much like the one his mother and I shared what still seemed a few short years ago. As we sat there and listened to Mark, as he proudly and lovingly spoke the words, “I do,” Camilla and I, without realizing what was happening, were quite suddenly summarily retired from the most important job we had ever had. While it is true that we still retained the titles of Mother and Father, we have come to see that at that beautiful moment we ended over thirty years of parenting.
I am always amused when I see the bumper sticker that reads, “Super Mom” or “Super Dad.” In our modern urban culture, with all its uncertainties (and certainties) it simply takes a superhuman effort for any parent to achieve a consistent degree of success. If parenting were an Olympic event, it would most certainly take top honors in “the degree of difficulty” category.
I recall having lunch with a friend of mine several years ago who happened to be a child psychiatrist. I was lamenting my parental woes and frustrations. He merely smiled and informed me that parenting was the second most difficult task in the world. When I asked what could possibly be more difficult he said, “Being a child – it takes a lifetime to get over it.”
It is easy for us to say now, given the opportunity, we would do it all over again. There were times of frustration, anger, disappointment and even despair for both of us. But, having gone through it and now being able to experience some of the rewards that can come to parents at this time in their lives, we would do it in a heartbeat. However, we both agree, we would do it differently.
We would pay more attention to the real priorities – for me my family would come before my career. I would be more available for my children. We would both listen more to what they said and a lot more to what they did not say. We would recognize earlier on that a child brings a kind of wisdom with them and that parents can learn as much from them as we think they learn from us. We would be less of parents and more of a mother and father and friends. We would be less critical, and would have fewer expectations. And we would learn earlier on that patience is the kindest gift you can give a child.
But we can’t do it over, and somehow, almost in spite of our amateur inadequacies, we had survived as a family. The wedding itself was a clear and wonderful demonstration that we had, after all, done a pretty good job and that there were rich rewards for hanging in there and staying together.
Our oldest son, Jack was best man, and our daughter, Kathleen was asked to read from Scriptures. As we watched each of them play their roles in the ceremony we were deeply moved by the genuine love and affection they shared for one another. All the formative years of sibling rivalry had somehow blossomed into a mature and lasting relationship.
We had come to see that after some of the struggles and heartaches of being a family we had all reached something new and beautiful. It is as if by some mysterious and unspoken agreement, we had all arrived at a new place in our lives – we had survived the journey intact, together, with our love for each other safe and secure.
It would be wonderful to suggest that as retired parents Camilla and I could have now walked off into some mythical sunset. But, while the job may have become easier, life had a way of continually challenging and confronting us.
We recovered from the initial sense of loss that such an occasion brings. Already we had found a new sense of freedom, and yes, liberation. We felt good about the fact that we had our most important task behind us. We looked forward to being together, to get to know each other again, to fall in love with each other in new and different ways.
But we had learned from experience not to take anything for granted. While Camilla and I were grateful for all that we had found in our new life, we had a strong sense of awareness about the one unalterable reality inherent in all human relations – time. For when that ceremony was concluded and we arrived back in our newly emptied nest, we could not help but wonder about the suddenness of it all. Where had all those years gone? Hadn't we just met each other yesterday?
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